Don't Read. It's just what I needed to put down in words for clarity...

I want to write a lot but don't know how.. or where to begin really.

I keep remembering the times when I had discussed with a couple of friends and even a cousin sis her/their work problems. Crazy schedules, mad clients or customers, unhealthy organisation culture, petty politics, maniacal bosses and sometimes all of this because of factors that are truly out of your control. I had given a kind ear, sympathised and offered simple advise to keep cool. Easy enough it had always seemed! Because I was, then, working in a setup where my failures or success had relatively little to do with how certain other people behave/react/perform etc. My failures were mine and so were my successes. And the failures were only led by my negligence(which was inexcusable in any case) or market/extraneous factors - which were visible to all! Believe it or not I was able to garner sympathy for a failure! I mean, wherever does that happen??

But I changed a job since then and it has been a little over an year in the new setup. In this setup my worth is entirely driven by other's work! I can holiday in Bahamas(money permitting!) if I can get the lot working in my absence!! And it is only now that I am tasting an iota of the frustration people were talking about. I keep reminding myself time and again of simple advise that I thought made sense from a third person's perspective and try following it as much as I can. But I think I was blissfully unaware of the way you feel bushed when in such a situation. I am learning.

I always thought if I had to face such a situation I would have no patience to deal with people, their problems - genuine or not, egos, unavoidable circumstances...basically the works in a calm and composed manner. I did not think I had it in me to keep my voice levelled even if the person across the table is enraged. I did not think I possessed an ability to be caustically stern. It has been a pleasant surprise, however! I am a different person when dealing with problems at work and personal problems. In person I am a complete impatient person who loves to clear her lungs and taste her vocal chords more often than not.(Aai and S bear it most of the times...closely followed by baba me thinks) But funnily enough that is not the case at work. I think because deep down I know I am right(however convoluted this might sound) in keeping my cool, giving situation time, giving people a chance, understanding and overall just keeping your head down and working at it(as kaka rightly said today morning), being truly committed to the work, caring.... Acknowledging that I am working for myself beyond everything else. It is me who wants to work hard and love the project! And I(possibly arrogantly) know that I am not particularly doing it for money...phew! See I said it! However arrogant, I said it. Money is directly proportional to my 'worth' and if I do not stay worthy I won't get it. And I think we(Read I and S) get enough to make ends meet. If we want anything fancier in life we better be bloody good at what we do!

And if what I do is get judged by other's work. So, so be it!!