Where’s the LOC???

As a reply to my last blog most of the written and posted comments seemed to stress on one thing – Married couples take each other for granted. They expect the other to do certain things JUST because they are now married! But is it not appropriate?

I am not a staunch believer of monogamy, neither an opponent of the need for change (well, the only constant anyways) but from a marriage I do expect honesty and love. Are these two things not the foundation of this relationship? So if an individual takes these two things for granted from his or her partner, is it inappropriate? Not quite…Then where do we draw the line between what we should take for granted and what should never be taken for granted?

A female friend of mine proposed that it is all right to expect that he (notice not we) remembers and celebrates our anniversary, my birthday, the anniversary of the day he proposed, the anniversary of the day we went on our first date, the anniversary of the day …… (blah blah blah……up to 365! Chuckle!) Well ‘her guy’ had a truly helpless look on his face and I sympathized with him in spite of myself. This celebration thing is usually exaggerated and does become far fetched. But I feel that a ‘few’ (and I MEAN it) times a year if the couple gets together and celebrates their relationship, it is lovely. It just fortifies and reminds either of the importance they have in each other’s lives. And for goodness’s sake they actually get TIME TO TALK. A truly rare commodity! I guess the claustrophobia begins where the celebration is all too frequent and has the knack to crop up when the boss’s/client’s mood isn’t too good!

Most working women face questioning brows and are confronted if, they stayed out late for work, had a working dinner with their boss, (especially if he is a young corporate honcho!) went for outside the town conferences, girl’s night out or even if the cell phone is not accessible for a couple of hours. (How do husbands and wives come to know when the network decides to give up? Somehow both get a tinkle and start calling frantically!) Does the hubby have a right to question each time? “Why not?”, one gujjubhai quips as he glares. Hey buddy don’t you trust the cute little girl who has brought soooo much happiness in your life? “It is not about trust” – A grim answer and then bang comes the usual excuse to mask the anxiety felt “I was just worried, okay?” Why don’t they gift wives pepper sprays on the wedding night itself?

Well, after thinking through, all very common, situations and forcing you to read, have I seen the flash of light? The thin line between taking the partner for granted and expecting what one can rightfully expect out of a relationship? Well, nope! (Okay if you are cursing me, go ahead!!) But sometimes it is worth thinking about because it allows one to analyse and come closer to the truth (if possible!). Even better, it is worth thinking aloud. And who could be a better bouncing board than your partner! Well, for all you know you might get a bit of that lost (if lost) friendship back!

Married couples…Friends…Foes…

When do two married people stop being friends and become only husband and wife…??? Well the question as always is also if they ever were friends?!! But let us assume amidst the chemical extravaganza in the brain two individuals who are in (lovvvvveeee) a relationship and intend on committing for a better part of their lives, develop a special bond of friendship. Then do they and why do they lose it upon saying “till death do us apart..”?

She keeps complaining that he does not have time for her anymore and he is too busy in his work to talk to her and spend time with her. “Oh, how different it used to be when we were courting…this marriage…he takes me for granted now…I have become a fixture in his life…” Hey, girl whatever happened to your best friend? Or if both the parties are dead busy in their offices (a case more likely..) she complains of him not being accommodative enough of her schedules! “You know before marriage he would wait for me for hoooouuuurs and now his patience runs out in a matter of minutes…”

He thinks she, all the time wants him to take her out, for dinners, partying, holidaying….the list is virtually endless! “her beest friend’s hubby takes her out on 'amaaaazing' (with a sneer) candle lit dinners every single weekend….such a bozo…god only knows how he can afford it!” Then it is the saga of who does which chores in the house! “She hates to cook you know…..My goooooodd…” A typical Indian male once exclaimed. The wife squirmed and looked away. And then suddenly the baby the wifey is expecting became ‘her child’ or ‘his child’. “I never wanted it so soon in the first place..”, one of the parties said.

I wonder whatever happened to those two people I had met who had told me, “We are getting married!” with a twinkle in all four eyes. When did ‘He’ start taking her out instead of them going out together and when did ‘she’ start making meals instead of them experimenting in the kitchen? Is the marriage not about doing things together? Sharing a day, a month, a year ….life….why do couples fall into this age old trap? The ‘we’ part of living a life together vanishes and bitter quarrels and tantrums overtake the life.

Do the couples understand and foresee this transformation when they are so deeply, madly, well, at times almost maniacally in love with each other? Or is it considered as a given in the marriage? If yes then why? I am sure as hell nobody likes it this way. But then why does no one attempt to avoid it? ….hmmmmmm